The Completely-Misleading Guide to Resident Evil
-April 11th, 2001-
Welcome to the best strategy guide to RESIDENT EVIL! I don't have any other stuff besides a walkthrough, but that's cool, right? All you really need is a walkthrough. If you need more then there's lots of other cool places to find what you need. If they don't have what you want then you're probably in trouble. Maybe you should ask your parents or family for help? Do you have a sister? Sisters can usually be really helpful at Resident Evil. If you don't have a sister ask your brother. Your brother might not be as helpful but he can still try. If you don't have a brother ask your mom. If you don't have a mom ask your dad. If your dad isn't around at the moment ask your neighbor. If he isn't home ask the guy that lives next to him. He just MIGHT be helpful. But neighbors can be really cranky sometimes so you never know. One time my neighbor threw dirt at me and said "get offa ma property!". Then he gave me this weird look that reminded me of a monster. Monsters can be really scary too. I used to think there was a monster under my bed but then I figured out it was just a red shoe. Yeah, I used to wear red shoes. And blue ones too. I used to hate Nikes so I'd get stuff from the Salvation Army that was like from the 70s or something. I also used to wear red pants.
Part 1: Getting into the Guardhouse thingy
Ok, we start out with a scary intro. The intro made me wet my pants. My mom got all mad and was like "nowya gotta change 'em stupid!". Except I didn't have any other pants. So I had to walk around the house all day with no pants. My sister called me Tinkie Weenie. I don't understand why she called me that.
Now you and your buddies do some stupid talking and walk into a room where people eat. You can go left or right, it doesn't matter. Going left is better though, because left is right and right is wrong. Plus there's this cool Coocoo clock thingy on the wall which is really cool. It even makes a sound you can hear.
Now walk up to your boyfriend dude and he'll actually say stuff to you(OUT LOUD!). It's pretty cool. Then he'll say something and now you can move again. Go through that door on the right. No, you have to. Just do it.
Now you're in a quiet hallway. Walk down and you'll see a mummy wearing a green jacket. I used to have a green jacket but our dog peed on it, so I had to give it to the Salvation Army. It was a cool jacket. Maybe the guy who bought it was this guy. Maybe that's why he's a mummy!
Now you can try to defeat him with your weapons(a blaster or your switchblade), or be cool and just run away. It doesn't matter because something really cool happens either way. But I got scared, and didn't want to wet my pants again so I ran. Once you meet up with your weird boyfriend again he acts really cool and pulls out his laser gun. He's like "I'm awesome, now let me defeat the mummy!". He fires a few really loud lasers at the mummy and the mummy's head somehow dissapears. Plus all this red stuff flies out. The red stuff looked like confetti. Confetti is really fun to play with. I heard once if you eat confetti it makes your tongue turn blue. Now your boy friend will say some more stuff and now you have to leave the eating place. Now you will notice the dorky guy is gone. Do what your boyfriend says and make sure to explore the entire hall. I've only played the game once so he might be there who knows. If you find him make sure to tell me what he looks like. I forgot. Anyway your boyfriend dude will say the dork's gone forever and hands you a slim jim. For some dumb reason you can use the slim jim to unlock some stuff. It's pretty cool. It must be a magic key or something that he found on the floor. I wish I had one. Now you can do alot of stuff. First try to leave. Keep trying. This weird little chihuahua will try to bite you! I wet my pants again right there. My mom got really angry and burnt my pants. Now I have to wear my sister's shorts everywhere. My sister says I look hot with them on. I don't know if she's right or not.
Now head through that door on the right and get the paper in the middle of the room. I have NO idea what this does, but it's cool. Now go through the door on the right. Don't go left or a mummy will bite your toes! It's really scary. Now run down the hallway and some more chihuahuas will come at you. Don't try to pet them because they bite! I tried to pet them and I lost. I got really mad and threw my controller down. My dad sure didn't like that so he yelled at me and threatened to sell my Playstation. My dad can be really scary. Not as scary as Resident Evil(NO WAY!!!!!!), but he can be really spooky. Not like scary scary like AHHH scary, but he is scary.
When you get to the end of the hallway open the door and you get to see a close up of the girl you play as. She's really cute. I'd probably go out with her but right now I'm dating my cousin. She's not as hot as the girl in Resident Evil but she's cute. We've only kissed twice though. So after you see the girl close up, walk forward and run through this green hallway. Whoever painted the walls must have been drunk. Green's an ugly color. I like polkadot better. Now go through the door at the end on the right and then through the next door. Now take the boomstick. It's like your blaster except stronger. I like the boomstick. It makes the mummies' heads dissapear just like your boyfriend did with his laser gun earlier(remember?). Confetti comes out too just like before. It's really cool. So now take your new super blaster boomstick out with you. OH NO!!!!!!! The roof of the other room starts to come down! I don't know what happens if you mess this up, you probably just lay there and it says you lost. I don't know. The roof can't really hurt you ya know. One time I fell off of our roof. I was trying to imitate my idol Johnny Knoxville and was trying to jump off it like him. I fell on my butt and broke it.
After you wait for a little bit(DON'T get scared like I did), your boyfriend knocks on the door and says some stuff. You'll say everything's fine then you remember that the roof's coming down and tell him to help you. He opens the door and you walk out. The roof falls down I think. Then your boyfriend says some more stuff and leaves. Now go through the door next to you and fight the... MUMMIES!!!! Yes there's a few of them. Don't be scared. I got so scared doing this my nose started to bleed. My mom said that's just because I'm a dork. My sister said the same thing too. I think I'm cool. My school teacher said everybody's beautiful. I think so too(EXCEPT Julie Gilharn!!! She's stupid). Defeat the mummies with your boomstick or blaster or switchblade and then go through the door in the center of the hallway. There's ANOTHER MUMMY!!!! in here. Beat him too. He vomits on you. I vomit alot too but it doesn't hurt people like his. Well my sister says it does. Maybe it really does. Now go in the door to the right. It's a SAFETY ROOM!!!!! Stay here for as long as you like because it's safe and not scary. Pick up the chemical stuff and goto the big cardboard box. Put stuff in that you don't need and take stuff you do. Now leave and go up the stairs. There's ANOTHER MUMMY up here(wearing my green jacket too!) so beat him then beat the OTHER MUMMY. Now walk out one of the doors(I can't remember which one works). Beat some more scary mummies and walk out of the hallway. Your boyfriend should be there again. He'll say some more crap and then he might give you a SPECIAL WEAPON. It looks like a colored car battery. Now you kiss him goodbye and he goes away. Now run to the right and go inside the door. Go down the hallway and open the next door. Now you're outside. I like the outdoors too except I always get stung by bees. I've been stung 4,309 times according to my dad. I think that's cool. Now go do this VERY CAREFULLY!!!!!!!! Walk over by the dead dude and pick up the metal thingy. DON'T CHECK HIM!!!! You'll have to fight some mean parrots if you do that! Do you want to fight evil parrots!??? I did not think so. Now leave. You now have a SUPER BOOMSTICK!!!! It's like your regular boomstick except it can use car batteries(LIKE THE ONE YOUR BOYFRIEND BOUGHT YOU!!!!) to shoot out. It's really neat. Now leave and go to the door on the lefthand side of the hall. There's some more MUMMIES IN HERE!!!! Destroy them then push the statue off the balcony. I know it's vandalism but I guess nobody's looking so you can do it. Now go through the door at the end of the hallway. Destroy the mummies then go down the stairs. Destroy more mummies then go through the door right next to you. ANOTHER SAFETY ROOM!!!! Cool. Do whatever you want then leave. Now head down the hallway and out the door. Now you're in another green hallway! Zap some more mummies then go through the door at the end of the hall. Now there's some evil plants in here. I've never liked plants. My sister says I am a plant because I like to eat salads. I usually flip her off then throw carrots at her for saying that. She's really mean. Salads are so good! How can you not like them? I like the ones with ham in them and eggs. Mmm. I like salads better than pizza. Wait no I like pizza better. Now take your chemicals in a bag and dump them in the laundry machine or whatever. The plants turn red and stop moving. I think it's because you put them to sleep with sleeping powder in the bag. They turn red because you put ketchup in there too. Now go past where they were and grab the grey key. YOU GOT A KEY!!!! Now you can start doing stuff. Leave and go through the door that was on your right where you came in. Pick up some shots for your lasers and then completely leave the area. Now do these things in this order if you want or in a completely different order it doesn't matter you just have to do them:
-Go into the right hand door and then the first door there with your key. Go get the serum for the guy who tripped and hurt himself I guess and then he says he'll just take a nap. What a jerk. You went to go get that pack of bandaids and all he does is take a nap. Now go through the door behind him and beat up another Mummy, then go check out the door at the end of the hallway. You need something to see with to get something really cool behind the bookshelf. Come back later with the thing people use to smoke with(what's it called again?).
-Go to that weird blue room down the same hallway on the right on the 2F and push the statues onto the holes in the floor. The holes make really neat gas come out but I guess it makes you get hurt. My dad has alot of gas that hurts all of us. After he eats ice cream or baked beans we all get hurt by him. It's painful. Once you hit the cool red button you can pick up this emblem thingy. You get three more of this cool medalians so collect them all!
-Go back down to that eating place and check where you blew up the statue. You'll find a blue CRYSTAL. Now go pick up the slab of wood in the corner and go back down to the hallway where the first mummy met you. Now go down that hallway and open the door on the left with your slim jim. Now go get the piece of paper from behind the bookshelf and play the piano. I know pianos are boring but just wait because something really cool happens. Now go through the cool opening that opened and take the gold slab. The OPENING CLOSES!!!! Uh oh. Now put the WOOD SLAB IN!! It opens back up again. Now leave and put the gold thing in the place where the wood one was. Now the clock stops ringing. MAN!!!! I liked that clock. It was really cool. Did anyone else like it? I liked how it made that tick-tock sound. Now it stopped. Dang it. Now take the red key and you take it! Now go back up to the 2F on the left side and back down to that green hall. Head to the left and then to the right through a door. You are now in a room with a statue of a cat. I love cats. But not as much as dogs. Dogs are mean and cool. Cats pee alot and it's a cat that peed on my green jacket that I talked about earlier(REMEMBER!?). Dogs just puke alot and you can pet them more. Now take your crystal and put it in the cat. The cat opens up and you get another emblem!
-Go down to that hallway to the left of where the roof came down and then through the door at the end on the left. There's some paintings in here. Paintings are dumb of course. We all hate them so why do they make stupid paintings?!!! Anyway hit the right buttons on them right and then go up to the main picture. Now you get another emblem! Awesome dude. If you did it right those parrots won't bother you. I know they're scary but don't worry about them.
-OPTIONAL: You can go get your lighter thing up in a room on the 2F if you want but I didn't want to.
-Now take that red key up to the door next to that room where you needed the lighter thingy. Unlock it and walk in but don't get scared. You are now in an attic or something. Our attic is really dirty. Seriously. We have alot of my dad's old nudie magazines up there. Sometimes me and my sister go up there and look at them and laugh because those people are really old now. And old people look gross naked. Now walk forward and a giant worm thing will come OUT!!! Just start blasting it with your boomstick or bigger boomstick. It will be destroyed. Now walk behind where it was and get the EMBLEM!!! Now leave and once you leave you get dizzy I guess because the girl's having her period or something. Then some dude walks in who we don't get to see and then you wake up in that one safe room.
Ok, have you done all of that? YOU BETTER!!!!! You have to. If you don't you can't finish the game. And not finishing something isn't cool. That's being lazy. Laziness is your worst friend my grandpa always says. My grandpa also says girls were meant to be naked. Sometimes my grandpa watches MTV and says the music videos are his favorite "nubbins". Britney Spears is totally hot. Now since you've got all the emblem thingys, go down the hallway on the right in the dark hallway where you found the door to the picture room. Enter the door and destroy the chihuahuas. Now put the emblems into the little thing. The door UNLOCKS!!!! Now go in and push the stairs up to the shelf and take the crank. No it's not drugs. It's like this little lever. If there's any drugs in the game please tell me because I'd like to know. Wouldn't that be cool? One time my cousin(who I go out with) sold me a code for Tomb Raider to get Lara drunk for 5 bucks. I was mad when I found out it doesn't work. Wouldn't that be cool to have Lara drunk? Now walk out the door on the left and destroy more chihuahuas. Now run down the passage on the right and get the paper. I don't know what this does either. It's got words on it and I don't know. Now go back down and go over to the weird thing. Put the crank in and the water drains out of the pool. Get in the pool and get out the other side. Now RUN!!! Because worms fall down and hiss at you. My best friend used to collect worms and put them in ziplock bags. Then he'd drop them down girls' shirts. It was really funny. One time a girl kicked him in his privates for doing that. He was like "Ow, my groin!". Now run across and go down the metal thing.
Destroy some more chihuahua dogs and then run across to the other side. Now go in the door and destroy some MORE CHIHUAHUAS. I think the guy who owned the house before liked chihuahuas. Maybe because they're so expensive. I like those weiner dogs. They look stupid I just like saying weiner. Now I should say this that while I was doing all this I heard a weird beeping sound at times. I think it was my beeper. But I don't own a beeper so it must have been the game. I don't know what it was though. Now run through the passage and go through the door. ConGRATULATIONS! You have made it through part 1!
On to part 2!!!!
-Grand Master Dragon
|
Articles 
