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Final Fantasy IV: The Programmer's Room
-January 7th, 2002-
Being the first article of the year 2002, I figured I should delve into something incredibly intellegent and not "funny" for a change. No sir, no more articles about dancing crap or seductive powers of candy for me. I'm dropping the old ways and taking under a new wing. And to begin this resolution, we uncover the secrets of a Final Fantasy hidden room, and slap the results into something resembling a couple paragraphs. That's right, this man knows how to buckle down and keep to his word.
Ladies and gentlemen, the infamous(or non-infamous) "Programmer's Room".
Upon entering this mystery that resides within the walls(literally) of Final Fantasy IV, which can be easily found by walking through a wall in the Dwarf Castle's pub(which is, ironically, hidden as well), we're greated first by a "Newbie Toshio Endo", who has a good share of complaints about his job. Not particularly interesting, but that's due to the fact that you have to keep something in mind: practically every joke in this area is an inside one that the designers hazed each other over. Don't try to understand any of them, don't try to make sense out of it. Because in the end, it's puzzling enough that Sakaguchi wanted to put this darn thing in, whereas the only real hidden jewels we've seen in the rest of the series has been Debug Rooms. Maybe it's just the fact that he wanted an excuse to add a Playboy Magazine as an item, but I'll delve in to that later.
To the left of Mr.Newbie Toshio, we have yet another Newbie fellow, whose demands are quite simple: he wants his own desk. With all the money Squaresoft makes, they couldn't provide this poor sap with a desk of his own? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? DON'T YO- (Blood Pressure, Blood Pressure... Three, two, one, one, two, three, what the heck is bothering me? Gradual cool-down...) ...So anyway, like I was saying... all the guy wanted was a desk.
To the north of the two "Newbies", we have the last of the three, Newbie Ikuya Dobashi. His plead: he hasn't stolen anything. I disagree. Why? I have a theory: everything that I dropped into the mysterious "trashcan" item I have automatically, all of what I assumed was garbage to me-- this man stole. That's right; the spare Fire Arrows, the crappy potions some enemies dropped, the Playboy Magazine-- okay, so I didn't throw away the Playboy, but the point is, my theory is all of these transfered items fell in to this "Newbie" lap. What he would want with RPG non-essential goods, I don't know, but what I do know is, my Fire Arrows weren't thrown away.
This next froggish fellow, whose name eludes me, explains the wonders of making video games, in the form of advice that "no one gets a Golden Week". What's a Golden Week, you ask? Why, it's where the entire staff partakes in a giant, Electronic-induced Orgy of Love! Commonly started by Sony employees in the late 80's, Golden Weeks last for a week and drain the human body of all it's fluids. Once the lovin's over, work is continued as normal, giving the sex-starved nerds who provide us with Portable CD Players a chance to experience a sense of being alive, beyond creating a mini-blackjack game. Now, the designers of "Final Fantasy" are in Japan, and in Japan it's obviously IMPOSSIBLE to go without bodily fluids. So, thus, no Golden Weeks for them. I'm glad I cleared that up, and you should be too.
Next room over, we begin with Mr.Adachi, who is quite confident in his abilities for the work he does. And considering his job is apparently just editing the menus, I would be too. Beats hand-drawing sprites on a 16x16 pallette, straining your eyes until it's possible to see in to other dimensions, at least.
Above our happy lil' menu editor, we have Ms.Yasushi(or Mister, I guess, since there's apparently only one female on the FF4 team), who mistakes the group for... God know's who. The funny thing is, regardless of the numerous party changes that occur, coming back here will always result in the same mistaken identities. Senile, perpetually blind, or both; I'm not sure exactly.
"Taka" is a madman who I'm guessing has been committed several times for climbing to the top of large Tokyo buildings and proclaiming himself as "Super Dot Man, King of the Dots!".
To Good Ol' Taka's right, we have Mr.Hoshino, who apparently was in charge of drawing the enemies of the game. And judging by his size, I wouldn't argue it. Graphics editing is, after all, an unholy chore intended to kill as many people as humanly possible, and for this reason it's been known to have undesirable side effects on many individuals. The guy that drew the monsters in Chrono Trigger? Exploded. How about that guy that made Mario 3D in Supa Mario RPG? Skin flipped inside-out. I'd have to say that Hoshino lucked out though, as his growth was only stunted by a good 23 years. I was expecting his wrist to become detachable, or some sort of Super Power to become accessable to him, but... a guy can dream, can't he?
Below our mutant friend, we have the only chick on the Final Fantasy IV team, Hiromi Nakada. I'm not even gonna bother with this one. She's a girl, obviously somewhat of a gamer, which means she's probably the Amazon type. Not that there's anything... wrong with that! I mean, it's perfectly acceptable, if that's the way she wants to be... Maybe I'm just assuming something wrong about female Game Players, and I'll probably find out when all the angry "fan"mail comes in from the "girl" gamers.
Below the Ama-err, only female on the FF4 team, is "Ryouko Tanaka", who seems quite interested in me liking her final project. Well, guess what kid, I HATED IT. I HATED THE GAME. AH HA HA HA. I LAUGH AT YOUR MISFORTUNE. Just disregard my All-Star review of it.
...And what would a visit to a hidden Final Fantasy room be without a greeting from the Director in his Multi-Colored-Chocobo Form? If you can't read, he says "welcome". Then again, you'd be unable to read that, and this, too. Matter of fact, if you can't read, I don't really know how you've gotten this far. Matter of fact, stop. That's really weird. Alright, cut it out. Seriously. I'm not kidding anymore. You're not gonna kill me, are you?
Next up, the first interior location, the "Music Room".
In the top-left, we have Mr.Ito, who advises us to play Seiken Densetsu 3 after completing FF4. This is rather impossible, considering SD3 couldn't have been released in Japan until after Seiken Densetsu 2, which didn't see the light of day until a couple years later. Unless they began the project for the third while working on the second, and with Squaresoft, I wouldn't doubt that. But more than likely, it was something different that was changed by J2E Translations. I'd pick up "Final Fantasy Chronicles" to see what the remake has to say, but it's probable that it was changed to something along the lines of "Be sure to pick up Final Fantasy 11, followed by Final Fantasy 10 and 12!".
Flying around the room like a Japanese Businessman after drinking Bull Sperm is Akira Ueda, who doesn't make a damned bit of sense and frankly, just plain scares me.
I haven't the foggiest idea who this fellow was, but whatever the case, he was spoofing Gilbert and his harp. For shame.
Moving on to the last and final room of the area, we find Mr.Tokita, who manages to be a couple of things: 1) a pervert who likes to hit on the females in my party, and 2) a coward. To avoid his job of working on the very game I'm playing, he attempts to join my party, but fails entirely. Why, I don't know exactly; I suppose it was too much of an effort to get out of bed.
Towards the center of the room, a blatent message is posted on the wall which reminds the employees no games are allowed "up until here". From what I can gather, "up until here" has to mean "here", which would probably better explain the lack of activity in this area. "Game Engineers" can get real shifty if they don't get their daily-dose of Galaga, y'know.
Off in the western bed, we have Ken Narita, who complains profusely about a multitude of RPG-Creation problems. If you've spent the slightest amount of decent time working with RPG Maker 2000, you'll be quite amused; if you haven't, well, you'll probably be saying "SPEAK AMERIKAN DAMIT WHATS YER PROBLEM?!".
And finally, yes, we have the one, the only, the great, the Playboy Magazine.
Coming with one sole purpose, the Playboy Magazine is meant to simply fulfill the one thing Rosa couldn't do for Cecil, sex. Actually, the game hints several times to their more-than-friend relationship, but I guess she wasn't enough for Ol' Perverted Cecil. Anyway, by using the "Playboy", we're treated to a scene of our hero looking both ways, and then turning his back to the screen as the Calebrina music plays in the background. From here, you can use your SICKY little imagination. SICKY.
Thus, the show's over. As for the Playboy, it fades away after one use, so it's best to make a back-up file so you'll always have it. I mean, just because it's such a rare item, of course.
-Grand Master Dragon
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