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The Robot Test: The (Very) Possible Future of all ManRobotkind!
-November 20th, 2001-
It must suck to be a Robot. Not only do you have to deal with being despised with prejudice by humans, but you also are given alot of hassle for generally being a tool of mass-destruction. They almost never manage to maintain their sanity, attempt to take over the world, and inevitably cause their own destruction. Excluding Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. Man, that Robot was cute.
Anyway, you don't want to be a Robot, typically. You lose the capability of owning a soul by certain rights, and also lose the right to procreate as well. Oh now, I can already hear you arguing with your little friend... I mean, your buddy...
Guy #1: Of course Robots can have sex!
Guy #2: That's IMPOSSIBLE. Why would a Brilliant Scientist build a robot that can have sex?
Guy #1: Because... scientists are always nerdy, white-haired, virgin computer geeks. They WANT the robots to have sex.
Guy #2: But how would they do it? With humans or robots? And... how, physically?
Guy #1: Whoever they want. The Scientist builds... parts on to them.
Guy #2: A Brilliant Scientist wouldn't want to taint his creation with... PARTS.
Guy #1: Alright, just shut up and put in See Spot Run already. The suspense is KILLING ME!
Now that we've established how terrible it is to be a robot, we begin The Robot Test. Interviewing a select three people, we discover how long it truely takes for the human brain to discover the horrors that lie in those evil Machines of the FUTURE. We also discover that once the great Robot Wars of 2045 kick in, the women will dominate the earth with their supreme intellegence, Robots will be abolished and fellow males like myself will be turned into robots of the human kind. But don't take my word for it.
Test #1: Reijin
Reijin: So there's been this question in my mind lately...
GMD: How do they put the little Ms on the M&Ms?
Reijin: That... And were those pics Shenron showed me yesterday really you?
GMD: No. It was my cat.
Reijin: But of the two, the former interests me more
GMD: Why is that?
Reijin: Oh, that would explain the whiskers
Reijin: Well, those 'M's are so damn tiny!
GMD: Oh...
GMD: Yeah, you got a point.
Reijin: I couldn't write an 'M' that small...
GMD: But Robots can.
Reijin: Can they?
GMD: Which leads me to MY question... would you put your brain in the body of a robot?
Reijin: What type of robot?
GMD: A 5' tall robot from the future.
GMD: You'd have the strength of ten men... no, wait, ten Gorillas
Reijin: ...Yes, I would!
GMD: But humans will be prejudice against you... think you can handle it?
Reijin: Can I kill them?
GMD: I dunno, starting an all-out Robot War might be risky
GMD: What side would you be on? You have a human brain.
Reijin: Yeah... But I'm strong and the puny humans are weak...
Reijin: Will my battery ever run out?
GMD: You don't run on batteries, you run on Plutonium.
Reijin: And that doesn't run out...right?
GMD: You have an INFINITE FUEL SUPPLY, STUPID
GMD: Robots are VERY developed.
Reijin: So, I'm a tall big robot? Can I be a smaller, more petite, yet agile robot, like Alita?
GMD: You're 5 foot, you're not tall.
Reijin: Oh, yeah well, how big am I?
GMD: You're ALMOST idenical to your human self, to make sure everybody looks different, somewhat.
Reijin: I see, do I know the Panzer Kunst?
GMD: You don't know anything you did in your past life, except that you were in a past life.
Reijin: ...Well, do I get a big as gun or no?
GMD: You get a Gatling Gun for a head, that's it.
GMD: And Chainsaw Hands.... BZZZZZ!
Reijin: ...So my head's a gatling gun?
GMD: That's right.
Reijin: And... Chainsaws are my hands...
GMD: With extra clips.
GMD: That's also right.
Reijin: ...How can I proceed with everyday functions with such an odd body layout?
GMD: You have mini-hands that come out to do your hand work, stupid.
Reijin: Where do they come from?
GMD: From inside your CHEST, stupid.
Reijin: I want a new body
GMD: You can't. You're a robot, it's perminate.
Reijin: Then I don't want to be a robot, I reverse my last decision of becoming one
GMD: Are you sure? Strength of ten gorrillas, remember?
GMD: And you'd live forever, age-wise.
Reijin: But the body I get is too stupid, it'd get eternally frustrating, don't you think?
GMD: Well, if you ask me, being in a metal body would be pretty neat.
GMD: But hey, that's just me...
Reijin: Hands that come out of chest... Chainsaw hands... AND gatling gun head...? SO UNCOOL!
GMD: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? The Chainsaws alone are awesome.
Reijin: No they weren't, I were expecting laser guns... Ones that AREN'T attached to me
GMD: Okay, you get laser vision, x-ray vision, chainsaw hands, a gatling gun head, AND laser guns that are detachable.
Reijin: ...Exactly how can I use them with no hands?
GMD: You have ATTACHMENTS on the CHAINSAWS.
Reijin: ...What if I don't want Chaing saw hands?
Reijin: *Chainsaw
GMD: You can have them destroyed during the Robot War.
Reijin: ...And replaced with REAL hands?
GMD: NO, METAL HANDS.
GMD: With steel Finger Nails, real SHARP ONES
Reijin: I meant REAL as in they're replicas of human hands, not stupid nail hands...
GMD: YES! YOU CAN HAVE REPLICA HANDS!
Reijin: WHOOO!!
GMD: ...But you won't have the strength of ten Gorrillas anymore.
GMD: And you'll become a pacifist.
Reijin: Then I'll just stay human
GMD: Are you sure?
GMD: You'll be immortal, age wise.
Reijin: Absolutely
Reijin: Being a robot sucks ass
Time: 38 minutes.
They're gonna eat him alive once the Robots start creating wheels for legs.
Test #2: Shenron
GMD: Would you put your brain in the body of a robot?
Shenron: ....
Shenron: is this for another story ...
GMD: No, just curious
Shenron: then yes... as long as he looked real cool and had lots of weapons ... HEHEHHE
GMD: He can't have THAT many weapons, it's against the Robot Laws
GMD: He gets laser vison AND X-Ray vision, but that's it
Shenron: I WANT LOTS OF WEAPONS !!!!!
GMD: Okay okay, you get laser vision, x-ray vision, and Chainsaws for hands.
GMD: And a big Gatling Gun for a head.
Shenron: that is acceptable
GMD: What are ya gonna do during the Robot War then? Which side would you be on?
Shenron: the winning side...
Shenron: :D
GMD: But it'd be a bloody war between the humans... so which side?
Shenron: oh.... humans
GMD: That's right. Humans vs. Robots.
Shenron: Ill be with the humans of course u robot bastard
GMD: But you're in a ROBOT body... what happens if the humans lose? The Robots will kill you for betraying them.
Shenron: ...
Shenron: toughone ..
GMD: You have to make a decission.
Shenron: NO
Shenron: ...
GMD: Would it make any difference if you were an Adrian Barbobot?
Shenron: ... ?
GMD: You'd be in the body of a robotic Adrian Barboa.
Shenron: and ... that is....
GMD: Sexed-up star of some old Star Wars parodies.
Shenron: YAYYAYAYA
GMD: But you'd be hit on by Robotic, single men... would that be a problem?
Shenron: ...
Shenron: WHAT SI WITH U AND THE DOWN SIDES TO EVERYTHING
GMD: I'm just keepin' it real, baby.
Shenron: U WANT TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE $700?? IT JUST THAT EASY
Shenron: here ill forward u the email -_- ITS NOT SCAM AT ALL
GMD: Right, and I'm a Chinese Jet Pilot.
Shenron: really ??!!?!?!?
GMD: I work for Sears.
Shenron: U have one of those there ? my mom works there =D
GMD: We have several around here.
Shenron: amazing ... i thought it was canadian...
GMD: Nope, they're nation-wide, baby.
Time: 32 minutes.
Here we see the Canadian perspective on the situation, which appears to be 20% better than our American male counterpart's. With the DIABOLICAL PLANS they're plotting, it's no surprise.
Final Test: Trinity
Trinity: Hey!!! Wuz up?
GMD: Not much.
GMD: I'm asking everybody about the Robot Theory.
Trinity: Robot Theory?
Trinity: Whats that?
GMD: Would you put your brain in the body of a Robot?
Trinity: No
GMD: Are you sure? You'd have the strength of ten Gorrillas...
Trinity: I wouldnt want something that strong thinking on its own. It might decide to kill me or somethin
GMD: But YOU'RE the robot.
GMD: Plus you'd be immortal from aging.
Trinity: So what, I dont want to be immortal
GMD: You wouldn't want to run amuck the streets with Chainsaw hands and laser vision?
Trinity: Hmm *thinks about it* No, not really
Time: 2 minutes.
This proves my theory that women have the sole ability to take over the planet. Better run now, before you have to start taking orders from Kathy Lee Gifford.
Overall, it was in the end that I discovered it took 2 teenage men over a half an hour to finally decide on Robotism, and a 16 year old girl the time it took for Real TV to come back on. Frankly, I'm speechless.
-Grand Master Dragon
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