Vern Troyer's Career Downfall
-September 7th, 2001-
Radio commercials are annoying. You've got Arnold Schwarzenagger & Slyvester Stylone impersonators trying to get you to buy Oreo Cookies and Tea, two guys arguing about how Wendy's food is a gift from God with witty comments, and, of course, advertisements for "MAJOR FURNITURE DISPERSAL!"s. And amung all of that, a recent commercial for Sunny Delight.
It caught my eye/ear more than usual, as I've already seen the beautifully done commercials on actual broadcasting(AKA Television), and knew the bitter truth: Vern Troyer was rapping. Yes, Vern Troyer. "Mini-me!" as teenagers around the world know him as, and what he himself probably will be known as for the rest of his natural born life. This happy, short man was rapping into my radio. About Sunny Delight.
Sunny Delight, for those of you who've never drank anything besides Milk, Water, and alcohol, is an orangish drink that burns at your throat like acid after consuming too much of it. It's not quite Orange, and it's not quite Juice. What exactly it really is, the world may never know. And this orangish-like drink, while being seemingly harmless, did the worst thing it could ever possibly do. It made Vern Troyer rap.
Get ready to bust a move, boy-yee.
"My name's Dr.D,
and I'm the one!
Harnassing the power,
of the Caribbean Sun!
Some kid comes along and says 'Dude, it's been done'!
*backup singers* Who's got the Power? (Not me!)
*backup singers* New Caribbean Sunny D!
My moves are tight and it's really The Bomb,
come see me dance at Sunnyd.com!
*backup singers* See him dance, at Sunnyd.com!"
YEAH YEAH YEAH BLING BLING BABY!
After hearing the SQUIRELLY RAP enough, I decided to do the only logical thing that no one else would dare to attempt: visit Sunnyd.com. What I saw may terrify the squimish.
Judging by the ad, I was expecting a broken link, a redirection to XXX Super Naked Women on Bicycles, or KMAMF!. Amazingly, it actually worked, and the quest began. Clicking on the nice link that said "More info on Dr.D!" which I assumed was slang for "Vern Troyer dressed up in a stupid costume!", I was introduced to "Dr.D"'s homepage, where I got "Dr.D"'s detailed biography!
"Name: Dr. D. (no one knows what the D stands for) , a.k.a. The King of Crime, The Knee High Ninja, the Maddest Mad Scientist, and formerly known as Steve who drove the clown car at the circus.
Occupation: Genius Mastermind seeking world domination by stealing the power of the sun, but looking for something full time.
Location: Sophisticated laboratory on unknown Caribbean Island even though he can't spell Caribbean.
Education: Caribbean Community College where he majored in Astronomy and developed an unhealthy obsession with the sun.
Bio: Raised by wild monkeys in the jungles of someplace really smelly, Dr. D. spent his early career stealing the power of the sun using a very small magnifying glass. Deprived of Sunny D as a child, Dr. D tried New Sunny Delight Caribbean Style and has been trying to get more ever since.
Often called, "That Little Dickens," by friends and world governments, Dr. D. is the leading criminal in the greater Caribbean area, a member of Sun Stealers Anonymous and the Caribbean Chess Club.
His favorite color is Red and his hobbies include trying to take things that don't belong to him, playing scrabble, dancing, and walking his pet crocodile Bruno."
...That was just plain WACKY and CRAZY, wasn't it!? AH HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA! Whew, hold on a second, my stomach hurts from laughing...
It had seemed that Sunny Delight had created a very detailed false-persona for Mr.Troyer, which wasn't really all that bad. Why? Well, we finally had something in common. My favorite color's red, too.
Anyway, "dancing" stood out as a link, caught my eye, so I clicked on it. Then it began.
 I was horrified to see "Dr.D" dancing himself silly in two seperate frames while a flash animation loaded. When the loading was finished, I awoke from unconsciousness and saw this staring at me. I was given the option of watching the "Half Pint Hustle", "Waist High Watusi", or "Down Low Disco". Not only that, but I was reminded to "Try the new Sunny D Caribbean!".
It was then that I realized Vern Troyer's career is over.
How could this possibly happen? What in the world could turn this happy little man we all loved into... that? You'd figure that after making a movie with Michael Myers, he'd have enough money to last him at least 8 years, not two. Being reduced to promoting an Orangish-like drink that insults the man's size, 1-800-Collect commercials and the Bubble Boy movie doesn't seem like the little guy I remember seeing at the Family Values Tour last year. The money can't have that much value... can it?
If we see Vern promoting Wendy's in a couple years, we'll all know for sure.
-Grand Master Dragon
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