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USA Originals
-December 21st, 2001-
The wonderful folks at the USA Cable Network have brought us some great TV gems over the years. Okay, maybe not. Actually, it's a proven fact that they've never had a hit show, outside of The World Wrestling Federation, which just picked up and left the network when they felt like it. Their movies haven't had a great level of success, either, blessing us with such treasures as Wolf Girl and an E.T. ripoff starring Mark Paul Gossallar(Zach Morris to you NON SMART PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED SAVED BY THE BELL THEIR ENTIRE LIVES). That one had a twist: drunks! Everybody's seen a few aliens in their lifetime, so the producers had to decide on a group minority that hadn't, or at least not to a 99.9 percentile. Drunken college students were apparently near the bottom of the list.
Anyway, as we delve into their past that once was(and still is occasionally, at 5 AM on Saturdays), let us remember a couple of important facts when deciding new USA Original Shows & Blocks: 1) Syndicated shows always fill in space. ALWAYS. 2) Shows that never made it past 10 episodes work even better. 3) When in doubt, use Saved by the Bell: The New Class or Gargoyles(or, preferably, both). And finally, 4) LAZZARINI! Now, let's get this over with.
USA ACTION EXTREME TEAM!
Probably the only block of programming that I can personally relate to by saying I watched it religiously, The USA ACTION EXTREAM TEAM was USA's final attempt at children's programming, or at least so it stands to this day. It's kinda like with CBS, except no big deal with Nickolodeon to air reruns of Blues Clues. Anyway, before the 2-3 hour block met it's demise, it stood as the block to watch all the ol' Video Game shows of yesteryear(excluding everyone's favorite Super Gamer, CAPTAIN N). Super Mario Bros., Sonic the Hedgehog(both "The Cartoon" and "The Animated Series")... WHAT HEAVEN. It later also served as the standing stage for that big trend you probably call "Anime" by putting Dic's dub of Sailor Moon on the air once again. Now, you might be saying, "Papa GMD, why'd the show die if it made such a BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY TREND THAT MADE ME THE MAN THAT I AM TODAY!?". Well, first, don't call me "Papa", and second, take that Senshi outfit off.
...What? Oh yeah, the question. See, Sailor Moon did have a bit of a downfall: school. It premiered during the summer of '97, the kids were hooked, but only until school started back up again and the 7 AM show began to miss it's audience. And if you lived where I do, you'd know that time changes from time to time and messes up the ol' TV. Thus, Sailor Moon was bumped even farther up, and thus, nobody could watch it, 'less they skipped school(and who wouldn't for Sailor Venus, SHE'S DREAMY!). This officially branded AET as "good as dead". By next summer, me and my friends were watching an exciting three hours of Gargoyles reruns after a standard all-night groove. And then the good fellas at Cartoon Network bought Sailor Moon from them, launched it on their own "Toonami", and unknowingly made it impossible to buy anything anime-related from Wal-Mart without being made a fool. I was happy before just being known as the guy with a weird hobby myself.
Sadly, the reruns of Gargoyles SOMEHOW didn't bring in any ratings, and the AET was canned. We are now given an extra three hours of Bloomberg Reporting in the morning. It's scary how I know these things, isn't it?
USA High
I thought this would last. But then again, I can recite episodes of Saved by the Bell like Shakespeare. The concept was pretty simple to grasp with what USA was intending to do: create a block of programming that'll nab the teenagers, pre-teenagers, and the pre-pre-teenagers. Teamed up with reruns of Saved by the Bell: The New Class, USA High was meant to be a desirable hit. But so were Emeril and Daddio.
The formula was too obvious. A blond guy, a mediocre guy, and a nerd, along with a blond girl, a mediocre BLACK girl, and a brunette. It was painfully apparent that the guys were kinda... oh, I dunno, copying every Teen Sitcom ever, but yet it tried to be original. Maybe a bit too much, actually.
The "kids"(or actors in their late 20's, whatever) go to a college titled "USA High". Yet, it is located in France. We can already tell the writers are greatly unique when it comes to a plot. Somebody must have just said "It's a college called USA High, but, here's the twist... it's NOT in the U.S.! GET IT!?". Anyway, they all live in the same dorm, of course, because all friends in all colleges get to live together, regardless of space or assigned rooms. And... the blond girl is the daughter of the Dean, which brings many hillarious mis-adventures in to play! Paired along with a French Restaurant which, like the cast of SBTB was with "The Max", they appear to spend the majority of their lives in, this best interprets the plot.
 Oh, oh, HOW COULD I FORGET?! The nerd is, unlike Skreech or that geek from California Dreams, apparently the coolest man on the face of the earth. LAZZARINI! This is screamed at least 57 times an episode, or at least 57 times a commercial. He has a love for Polish Sausage, he's Italian, and he can't get laid. He is, without a doubt, the star of the show, and were it not for this unofficial Son of Fonzi, I would never have watched. LAZZARINI! Sorry.
Now, hold your breath. I'm going to break this gently... after Season 1(yes, it lasted long enough to get a second season), The Laz... leaves. He just left. Gone. And in his place, a black stranger. This didn't settle well with the Lazaholics as we later were known to be called. The Lazster's stopped watching. Thus, the show died. And in it's place, we built a monument in Lazzarini's honor. We won't forget you, Laz. We never will.
I still visit the shrine. We still have Laz Fests every year. We keep in touch... it's all we have left.
Strip Poker
Some might say "DUDE THAT SHOW WOULD TOTALLY ROCK THE RATINGS YOU'RE LYING P.S. GOHAN IS THE BEST". You're totally right(except for the Gohan part, which is NOT TRUE). Except, this show didn't have any nudity.
The game show consisted of a couple of two guys and two girls, wearing lots of underwear, playing a "Professional" game of Strip Poker. I didn't even know there were official rules. Matter of fact, I just thought it was a form of Foreplay. Anyway, they answer some of the questions that Jeopardy tossed out because they were too easy, and for every wrong answer the opposing team removes some underwear. Until EVENTUALLY... WHOA, the last layer of UNDERGARMENTS! To add to the suspense, regardless if one team is in their actual underwear at the end, or both, or neither, they all strip down to that layer at the end. So basically, if you just wanted to see some PG-13 nudity, all you had to do was tune in at 11:56 before the show went off the air, instead of wasting your time watching the whole show. Guess USA didn't think about that.
In the end, there has been only one block of programming that's survived over the years: USAM, and that's only because the stay-at-home moms need something to watch after Regis & Kelly ends.
Oh yeah, and as surprising as it was, USA Network's website left the page for "USA High" up, with all of it's content intact. See for yourself. I smell a new ad campaign... "MTV.com just DELETES their cancelled show pages to make room for the new, but do we? Usanetwork.com: we leave 3-year old cancelled show pages, UP."
-Grand Master Dragon
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