| |
Thanksoween: The New Holiday
-October 12th, 2001-
In these hard economic times for regular, everyday Americans, where getting a job at Mc'Donalds is seemingly impossible and it costs 4 bucks to rent a movie from Blockbuster, we can't afford to waste money on two holidays right in a row. Unfortunately, October and November somehow manage to be RIGHT NEXT to each other, allowing the large Thanksgiving and Halloween to bog down the pocketbooks of us all one right after another. Heck, Canadians have to deal with both in the same MONTH, and we all know about their cash. Things could get pretty hairy, so in a Government/Little Ryo team-up, we've managed to come up with a brand new holiday to take the place of both: Thanksoween.
Thanksoween is the celebration of three very important things: being thankful for what we have, getting candy for free by wearing a costume, and Survival Horror video games. Of course, these three don't necessarily belong in their own catagories alone; for instance, you could be THANKFUL for getting free candy by wearing a costume. The Survival Horror video games part is still very experimental, but as of right now it stands to reason that if the game involves killing Zombified and/or Ghost Turkeys, then you're celebrating in the best way possible. Titles that revolve around People With Plants Sticking Out Of Their Heads are completely unacceptable, and will result in a game of Ouiji to be played by the entire household. The head of the family should attempt to summon a person by the name of "Herridore Duderonimous III", and begin the game by chanting "Sluos ruo ekat, sluos ruo ekat". This may seem a bit odd, but just remember, it's in the good name of fun & the spirit of Thanksoween! This game may be played just for laughs voluntarily as well, and is encouraged throughout the entire Thanksoween event. Note: Little Ryo is not responsible for various side effects that occur after conducting the holiday rituals listed here.
Thanksoween falls on November 1st in America, between both of the previous holidays, to prevent confusion. In Canada though, due to legal abnormalities, Thanksoween falls on October 11th, 27th, and January 3rd. This is due to consistant sceduling problems with special holiday episodes of the popular Canadian Television program, Captain Canada, which would have to be cancelled if the previous holidays were removed. And apparently, creating special Thanksoween episodes weren't on the top of their agenda, so to make sure the wonderful specials could still be aired BUT the spirit of Thanksoween could still be maintained, The Canadian Action Super Hero Channel(TCASHC) decided to schedule Thanksoween three times a year! Although it may seem a bit monotonous, we believe that Thanksoween may rival the popularity of such holidays as Columbus Day and Guy Fox Day, and thus this may prove as a great enjoyment to Canadians everywhere. It's even very possible that Americans may move to Canada just to experience the wonder of this holiday three times a year! As a matter of fact, we encourage it.
 The night of Thanksoween begins with the tossing of the Thanksoween Candycorn Turkey at the Neighbor's house, making sure to grease it up good with chocolate and butter first so a nice slimy paste slithers down the door of good Ol' Man Johnson's. At this point one of the family members should emideately run up to the doorstep, pick up the Candycorn Turkey, and begin EVACUATING. Then it's time to go Thanksoween Shopping! But before doing so, the children of the household must put on their choice of either a Ghost Turkey, Cranberry Zombie, or Stuffing Vampire costume. Now begins the ringing of people's door bells and saying the patented trademark that is the only way of getting the children their Thanksoween candy: Thanks or treat! If the person answers thanks, the kids must beg forgiveness and be thankful for what they already have, but if the person says TREAT, well... I don't have to tell you the fabulous, TASTY RESULTS! If the person just doesn't say anything, well, that's when the Thanksoween Beating may begin by any of the available family members and/or any weapons they may happen to be carrying(Thanksoween Happy Clubs & Trashcans are recommended, though).
After the children have aquired as much Thanksoween candy as they could possibly fathom, it's time to head home and eat the Thanksoween Dinner, which consists of the previously-thrown & prepared Thanksoween Turkey and the candy the children shall provide. Each variety of candy is seperated into different bowls and such, with spoons and serving utensils provided for easy access. And, depending on your religion, a Thanksoween prayer should be initiated before eating. Once the wonderful meal has been finished, it's time to play yet another vigorating round of Ouiji with the rules previously stated and then to scoot off to bed.
Now that the basics of this new, exciting holiday have been covered, it's time to go over some ground rules that are essential to follow for a successful Thanksoween Day:
- Survival Horror games may be played at any time, is encouraged, and the "Ouiji Rule" should be followed strictly as previously stated.
- Absolutely no vegetables, healthy food, or typical "Thanksgiving" food may be used, excluding the Candycorn Turkey which technically has a bit of Turkey in it.
- Only the three costumes listed may be worn by the children for Thanksoween Shopping, and only those. If this rule is broken or attempted to be broken, the Ouiji rule may be put into play. Update: Due to popular demand, Gravy Monsters are now deemed acceptable.
- If your birthday happens to be on Thanksoween, you get a free, special Birthday game of Ouiji.
- If after the throwing of the Thanksoween Candycorn Turkey you or any of your family members become caught by your neighbor, an official Thanksoween Beating may officially begin(this does not include unofficial beatings).
- If you happen to have a young, teenage male in your family, encourage him to hump your Thanksoween Candycorn Turkey before any of the festivities occur. Humping the Thanksoween Turkey brings extremely good luck, and it's one heck of an experience as well.
- Children must visit a minimum of 30 houses during the Thanksoween Shopping. Any less will result in the Thanksoween "Summon Inter-Dimensional Beings" Ritual. This ritual has been proven to be extremely dangerous, so make sure to pressure your children by scaring them with threats of this.
Follow these simple rules, and we guarantee you a 90 70 40 23% chance of having a happy & fun Thanksoween time!
Pueto & Mike once attempted to summon an inter-dimensional creature with a Ouiji board. They flipped when a zombie of William Shatner appeared and started showing them old clips of Tek-War. THAT was scary.
-Grand Master Dragon
|
|
Articles 
