Scared Straight! '01
-August 15, 2001-
Recently, two strange men knocked on my door and said I had just won a free trip to Otakon(or Wizcon, or Losercon, or something of that nature). Holy cow! I had never won anything in my life, excluding a stuffed animal consolation prize at the local fair and those stickers they pass out to everyone at Wal-Mart because "everyone is a winner!". So I obviously accepted and hopped into their nice, black van labeled "Your Ticket to Hell" on the side. It was then that I found out I was actually a test subject for MTV's latest project... Scared Straight! '01.
Apparently, once wasn't enough. MTV decided that to maintain a steady hold on ratings other than their Zombie Teenage Girl-medium, they needed another SS session so they can get away with uncensored swearing once again. Except this time, they figured they'd try just one kid, a kid that has never broke the law for that matter, just to add some suspense. Hey, business is business, I guess. I was then escorted to some place called "Grant Bell State Penitentary", and told to remove all items from my "mutha-fu#@in' pockets". I did so, then was lead into a large room filled with several of the inmates, who immideately set their sights on me. And then, it began...
An extremely large, black inmate(who I will simply refer to as "Mr. Tank") approached me and began laughing. I started laughing too. He only had four teeth. Then things really got out of hand...
Mr. Tank: What da fu#$ you mutha-fuc@in' laughin' at?
GMD: Err... your lack of teeth.
Mr. Tank: What's so mutha-fu@#in' funny about it, mutha fuc@#!?
GMD: You look like you got in a fight with a Jaw Breaker and lost, terribly.
Mr. Tank: Oh, ah ha ha ha ha! You think that's mutha-fu@#in' funny, doncha? We got's ourselves a FUNNY MAN heya, huh?
GMD: Well, ummm... no, not really.
Mr. Tank: Shut the fu@# up!
GMD:...Ok.
Mr. Tank: SHUT THE FU@# UP! DID I MUTHA-FU@#IN' TELL YOU TO SAY "ok"!?
GMD: I was just responding to you.
Mr. Tank: SHUT THE FU@# UP!
GMD: Well, uhh... I don't think we've been introduced... I'm GMD, who're you?
Mr. Tank: Di@# Nibbler!
GMD: Oh, uhh, ok, pleased to meet you Mr. Di$% Nibbler...
Mr. Tank: SHUT THE FU@# UP!
GMD: Alright.
Mr. Tank: What the mutha-fu@#in' hell is wrong wit' you!? Did I tell you to mutha-fuc@#in' say "Alright", mutha-fu@#a?!
GMD: I was just responding again...
Mr. Tank: Well you keep mutha-fu@#in' respondin' when ma co@% and ba@#s are hangin' off da side of yo' mutha-fu@#in' head like uh mutha-fu@#in' earring!
GMD: ...Wait a minute, how would that work, exactly...?
Mr. Tank:: I stick ma mutha-fu@#in' di@% up yo' mutha-fuc@#in' nose, mutha-fu@#a!
GMD: But, wouldn't it get stuck up in my brain or something? My nostrils aren't very big to begin with...
Mr. Tank: SHUT THE FU@# UP!
GMD: Uhh... ok.
Mr. Tank: SHUT THE FU$% UP! Did I say-
GMD: Yeah, I know, I know. Sorry. So what should I say?
Mr. Tank: FU@# OFF!
GMD: Sorry, I really don't swear that much...
Mr. Tank: Stand next to me and hold my mutha-fu@#in' shirt tail, mutha-fu@#a! Your new name is "Betty".
GMD: Heck no! I'm not touching your filthy shirt... you don't know how easily germs spread these days.
Mr. Tank: Shut the fu@# up and mutha-fu@#in' do it, bit@#!
GMD: No, I already said I'd rather not.
Mr. Tank: What you mutha-fu@#in' doin' heya!?
GMD: I was supposed to go to a convention, but I was lied to. What about you?
Mr. Tank: W, what!? Uh, 3 consequtive fu@#in' life sentences!
GMD: Any hobbies?
Mr. Tank: Gettin' ma di@# sucked!
GMD: Come on, I can see it... you're a really big Sailor Moon fan, aren't you?
Mr. Tank: ........Fu, fu@%... o, off....
GMD: You don't have to hide it, it's ok. I used to like it too.
Mr. Tank:...Really?
GMD: Yeah. Don't worry about it, it happens to us all sometime.
Mr. Tank: *begins crying* Th, thanks... mutha-fu@#a...
GMD: No problem. Glad I could help.
At this point, I was escorted out of the prison and told never to come back. Ever. Again.
Di@# Nibbler/Mr. Tank was released for some ungodly reason this past week. I hear he opened a "Usagi Lovers Annonymous" club and prostitutes himself near the bar in a Sailor Scout outfit.
One heck of an experience for sure, I'll never forget it. I'll change my ways! Thanks MTV!
I really wanted to go to Losercon, though...
-Grand Master Dragon
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