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The Luigi Conspiracy: Interview with a Plumber
-March 26th, 2001-
For the past 5 years, a certain plumber has been getting the shaft. Luigi Mario(yeah, Luigi Mario...you got a problem with that!?) of the Mario Bros., known to many as "the guy you play as in second player" or "the guy in green", has been a victim of a serious offense. Shunned by his brother's lust for money and power, he was dumped into the Brooklyn waters, never to be heard from again. His brother wanted to take the show all for himself. His brother, Mario.
It all began way back in 1996. The NU64(Nintendo Ultra 64), later renamed just N64, was going to be released. It's primary launch title: Super Mario 64. We all were filled with glee when we finally got a chance to play this wonderful game; a game that went on to win many gaming magazine awards and rake in plenty of the ol' moolah. But many of us soon found out that a certain sibling wasn't included in the package. Many people later made claims that this thin-mustached man was actually a hidden character, but all claims were false. Mario, in search of wealth and superiority, dumped his brother from the game scene. And that's where it all started.
 "I just woke up one day laying next to my brother and he said "Luigi, I'm takin' over the biz, biatch." says Luigi, in a recent interview I had with him. "Huh?...yeah, I slept next to my brother. Is that wrong?" Luigi continues, "Uh, anyway, he actually said "biatch". Can you believe that?". Luigi went on by explaining how the drugs, alcohol, and sexual ambitions went to Mario's head. "He would always go out late, and come back with a bunch of freaky Mushroom girls, doped up on... well, shrooms, I suppose.", says Luigi, "I'd be told "get da hell out, ya scum" by my drunken brother as he kicked me out of our own 'pad', forcing me to sleep on the streets while he did Peach-knows-what with those Fungus hoes." At this point, Luigi burst into tears and I was told that the interview was over.
Ever since the Luigi Conspiracy began, Luigi's life has went downhill. After falling into poverty, he was forced by his own brother to appear in a series of crappy N64 Mario Party games, and made a slight appearance in Super Smash Bros. But even then, he was still sidelined as his brother stole the show. During the making of SSB, Luigi sustaned brutal injuries and was forced to pay medical bills up the yin-yang. After getting a pity loan from Princess Peach secretly, Luigi went back to his home on the streets of Mushroom Kingdom, where he resides as a bum and takes whatever Video Game jobs he can. He even recently had to take a job with Mario Tennis for the N64, but his paycheck was mysteriously burnt by a fireball thrown by an unknown attacker. Witnesses nearby heard an Italian run off giggling, but that's only speculation.
What does the future hold for this poor plumber? Mario declined all interviews when asked, but gave me a statement: "You little fu@#ing whores can su@#a mya wee wee. Rota in hell."
Rumors and pictures show that Luigi could be having his own game on the new Gamecube system, but even that could be wrong. This is due to the fact that another huge rumor is that Luigi's staring role will actually be a small one; merely a small part of a bigger game. Why is this? Mario, stealing the show again. Let us all hope that our green friend(Luigi, not Gumby) can survive the turmoils of the Video Game Hollywood. We wouldn't want him to end up like Captain Blasto.
-Grand Master Dragon
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