Low-Budget Anime: The Secrets of Tomb Raider
-November 21st, 2001-
Far atop the Metalic Plain, there lies a classic video game. It's powers are known to be far greater than any other classic Playstation video game known to man. It's name: Tomb Raider. It's catagory: Greatest Hits. It's power was not meant for mere mortals to lay their hands upon. But unfortunately, on this Plain, The Dark Ones of Shaharazade begin their diabolical scheme to attain this game... and so our story begins.
Gundam Man: Okay everybody... is everybody here? Son Goku, Donatello?
Donnatello: HERE! I'M HERE! I'M HERE SIR!
Gundam Man: ...Yeah... Goku? Goku, are you here?
Son Goku: I here sir!
Gundam Man: Oh, good, let me begin then... let me start by saying our last attempt at "Operation: Final Fantasy Anthology" was a complete disaster.
Donnatello: I TRIED MY BEST SIR!
Gundam Man: ...You went and ordered PIZZA!
Donnatello: Oh yeah...
Gundam Man: Ahem, anyway... we failed our last mission, but not this one. I'm sure you've all heard of the legend of Tomb Rai-
Donnatello: OH YES SIR I HAVE!
Gundam Man: .......
Donnatello: S,sorry...
Gundam Man: AHEM, as I was saying... the legend of Tomb Rai... Tomb Raider. I've managed to pinpoint it's location, and it's being held guard by SCISSAMAN and Billy. This is where the plan comes in... Donnatello, you'll start a diversion by stealing SCISSAMAN's car keys, leading him to believe Billy took them. Then-
Donnatello: BUT SIR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAR KEYS LOOK LIKE!
Gundam Man: They're KEYS... if you see keys, take them, does that narrow it down enough?
Donnatello: BUT STEALING MORE THAN WHAT WE NEED IS WRONG, ISN'T IT? THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY!
Gundam Man: I don't CARE! Take keys away from man, got it!?
Donnatello: *sob* Yes sir...
Gundam Man: Now, like I was saying-
Son Goku: WOW! Is this thing on?
Gundam Man: Get away FROM THAT! NOW!
Two hours later...
Son Goku: I still no see why I can't go near it.
Gundam Man: Do you want another time-out?
Son Goku: .........
Gundam Man: Now, before I was rudely interupted, this is where Goku comes in... you jump in, and steal Tomb Raider.
Son Goku: Why me?
Gundam Man: Because, stupid, you're the only one with hands that can grip the Jewel Case! Sheesh...
Son Goku: Oh.
Gundam Man: So anyway, is the plan understood?
Donnatello & Son Goku: No.
Gundam Man: *sighs* That's what I thought...
4 days later...
SCISSAMAN: What a FABULOUS day! It's so pretty out today, wouldn't you agree, Billy?
Billy: You say that every day...
SCISSAMAN: Oh, yes, but it truely is! So beautiful!
Billy: God save me...
SCISSAMAN: Oh? What is this? YOU TOOK THEM! YOU TOOK MY CAR KEYS, you cruel heretic! How... how could you do this!? I thought we were in love!
Billy: I dunno what you're babbling about, but you better shut your hole.
SCISSAMAN: THAT PROVES IT! I always knew you really hated me... see those drapes? And that quilt I made for you last year? GONE, BUSTER, GONE!
Billy: Whatever...
SCISSAMAN: Oh, that is IT! We are taking this outside! And consider yourself OFF of my Christmas Card List!
Billy: Finally...
Son Goku: Now is Son Goku's chance to take game and bring back to hideout!
Back at Shaharazade Headquarters...
Gundam Man: You did a fine job, Goku... those Kamesenin-grips of your's really worked well.
Son Goku: Thank you, yes!
Gundam Man: Now we possess the power to gain control of the entire Metal Plain! VENGENCE WILL BE OUR'S! AH HA HA HA HA!
Billy: THERE you are!
Gundam Man: Uh-oh.
SCISSAMAN: Ah, for stealing our game you're gonna get one heck of a spanking, kid! Or both of you, if you prefer... hee hee.
Gundam Man: Goku, blast them!
Son Goku: Huh? Son Goku tired, Son Goku drink Vodka like usual and go to bed.
Gundam Man: Damn you, AND your lousy drinking problem!
Son Goku: It not problem, Son Goku know what he doing! SON GOKU KNOW HE CAN HANDLE IT!
SCISSAMAN: Boys, boys, boys... can't we settle this like adults? Can't we just share? After all, sharing IS caring... I'm sure we could share the copy of Tomb Raider and be, like, FABULOUSLY happy! Whaddya say?
Gundam Man: Hmm, nah... I'd rather KILL YOU ALL! DIE! SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT!
The end...?
-Grand Master Dragon
|
Articles 
