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The Lost Games
-June 23rd, 2001-
When it comes to video games, you're dealing with something that, in it's own way, is just like any other product that is sold to make money: there's ones that never make it past the cutting-room floor. Sometimes due to last minute(often times stupid) decisions, other times... well, other times it's just realized the game wouldn't be a success anywhere. And that last catagory that I just mentioned is what this is all about.
Let me put it to you bluntly: we've lost alot of good quality games, which will never be seen or heard from again. But thankfully, with the help from some inside sources and my "Video Game Correspondants"(which are basically just a couple of nerds I hired from the local arcade for 10 bucks), we can finally get to sneak a peek at these wonderful games that would have NEVER seen the light of day normally. You may thank me later, applause isn't neccessary.
Bash the Cartridge
System: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Players: As many as you need
Genre: Hop and Bop(without the hop)
When Nintendo finally said "Alright, that's enough, we can't deal with all these angry gamers, someone go make me a potato salad sandwich", they thought up an ingenius plan. Make a game where the object of the game was to TAKE OUT your aggressions, and people will flock to it! The object was very simple. Bash the game. Turn it on, pick up whatever you can that could be used as a weapon(the instruction manual made sure to note that a weapon is optional, though), and begin to repeatedly BASH the game. Literally. Problem was, cartridges aren't exactly made to take that much damage. Once the game broke, you had to go buy a new one. Sounded like a great idea money-wise to Nintendo, but not to all those angry people.
Pimp Fight: Handle Da Ho
System: Sega Genesis
Players: 2
Genre: Fighting/Blood and Gore
...Pretty self-explainatory. You control a character of your choice out of 4 different "Pimps" or "Hoes", and fight to the death in an apartment building. Pimps use special attacks such as "Magic Pimp Cane Strike" while the "hoes" use such attacks as "Drug-Induced Slap". These game was 99% done right when Primal Rage got banned from everywhere, so it was rightfully cancelled.
Pimp Fight 2: Championship Edition
System: Sega Genesis
Players: 2
Genre: Fighting/Blood and Gore
Cancelled. Again. Don't ask.
Sim Tree
System: PC-CD ROM
Players: 1
Genre: Simulation
Now HERE'S a bright idea. Another sim game! Since the guys at Maxis have simulated everything on the face of the earth, they needed new material. So what did they do? They saw a tree one day. Basically, you'd have to maintain the tree, make sure people don't KICK the tree, keep watering the tree if there's no rain, endure the hardships of winter without leaves, and ultimately guide the tree to a healthy age of over a 100 years old. Sounds exciting, right?...
Captain Blasto
System: Sony Playstation
Players: 1
Genre: Hop and Bop Shooter
A TERRIBLE heap of crap. Basically, you shoot things with a laser, hop on platforms, and... well, that's about it. And you occasionally make witty comments like "my anus is on the line". Man, are we lucky this game was never- oh wait, it WAS released...
Super Mario Bros: The Movie
System: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Players: 2
Genre: Platform
This is like the time I said to my friends in the 3rd grade "Man, they should make a video game for that Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon!". I honestly can't think of what's worse: watching the movie, or playing a game that's based on it. Nintendo dropped the idea after the producers from the movie became part of the game's production, and promptly decided that Mario's name should be changed to "Lars", and Luigi to "Gilbert Bob". And then of course there was the changing of Koopa to an owner of a company who wants to pollute the world, and Princess Peach being turned into a blond who's into beastiality with dinosaurs. Wait... didn't those last two happen in the actual movie?
Battle Boat
System: Sony Playstation
Players: 2
Genre: Boat... Fighting?
Based off the not-so-highly-well-known anime series, Battle Boat, you control Ace Dude or Blue Mamio, who continuously save the country with their killer speed boats. Control Ace and you get the Official Battle Boat, control Blue and you get Dino Boat, a large dinosaur-like boat painted in all lime-green. Play the story mode, or play 2 player for some serious action!...
Dang, that actually would have been really good.
Nsync: Make a Bad Music Video
System: Sony Playstation
Players: 1
Genre: Bad Music Video Making
Inspired by the cult-classic, critically-acclaimed and hit game that preceeded it, Spice World, Nsync: Make a Bad Music Video was any teen zombified-girl's dream. You get to make your OWN Nsync music video, with video YOU create and audio of YOU singing! Soon you'll be making great music videos just like the band themself.
This was actually released, but Nsync bought every copy before they could even hit the shelves.
Mario is Cooking!
System: Nintendo 64
Players: 1
Genre: Cooking
Just when you thought Mario had done everything(even teach 4th graders how to type), he put on a chef's hat. The object of the game? Luigi is kidnapped, and Mario is forced to cook food for Bowser in order to free his skinny brother! Ummm... yeah.
-Grand Master Dragon
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