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Kyle's Secret to Success
-August 16, 2001-
Kyle. One of the "Legendary Five Heroes" from the great Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete, writer of such hits as "181 Ways to Drink Yourself Stupid" and "Being Promiscuous Behind Your Girlfriend's Back for Dummies", and the man that gave us Jessica Bromide #1. To say the least, Kyle is a man with everything. But how'd he become so successful? Was it luck? Fate? Magic? Alka-Seltzer?
Luckily, Kyle wishes to share that everyone. While wandering around Working Designs' Headquarters(which, of course, I'm obviously allowed to do), I happened to find a copy of Kyle's new book, which has yet to be officially published: "How You Can be Like Me". And now, the secret to Kyle's success is finally reveiled!
"Step #1: Get Drunk.
First thing's first, if you wanna be like me, you'd best get wasted. Why, I don't know where I'd be today if I never drank alcoholic beverages(Editor's note:Probably writing this book yourself, instead of screaming it at me from inside of a jail cell...). So basically, just drink until you can't drink anymore. If you happen to end up in a hospital, mental institution, back of a barn laying next to a naked pig, or in bed with Miss Cleo, don't worry. These are just side effects that are bound to take place, and are signs you're doing things right. Wait, I take that back-- if you end up in bed with Miss Cleo, you should RUN. FAST.
Step #2: Be a free-loader.
Nobody likes a hard-worker, so instead just take everything on a day-to-day basis without worries. Don't get a job. If you already have one, quit it(optional: refer to step #1 for an easier way to do so). Bug people to borrow money from them. Continuously fall asleep in other people's houses by "mistake". This gives you a chance to work up to them(hopefully), thus providing you with a place to crash when you get evicted from your house/appartment/box. And lastly, always "forget" your wallet when going out to eat with anyone. This saves you money. And if they start catching on after the first couple times, well, just remember how much distance there is between you and the door...
Step #3: Be extremely promiscuous.
 One thing you don't want is being lonely, trust me. So the best thing to do is to establish yourself as a handsome fellow, and get as many multiple partners as possible. This not only builds your morale, but it's also alot of fun. Duh. Oh yeah, and if you're into that "relationship" stuff, don't worry about it-- they always understand. And when they don't, a well-constructed lie always does the trick. "It's not what it looks like!", "We were just playing 'Who Wants to Take Off Each Other's Clothes?', seriously!", and "You do that thing with your thighs ALOT better than she does, honey." are some good examples. If all else fails, just say in a solemn tone "Hun... I'm so sorry". If that doesn't work, I would suggest a hasty retreat.
Final Step #4: Don't care.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's not caring that gets you far. Sit around, twiddle your thumbs, and wait. This is the true key to becoming a star, trust me. Eventually, your wonderful future will just pretty much be handed right over to you. If people ask questions, just agree. Something bad happens, get sad. When you have to fight, hurry up and fight so you can get it over with. Everything should fall into place, and... well, you'll be as cool as me. Now go away, I have more beer to chug.
Editor's Note:The other four Great Heroes, The Goddess Althena, Nall, and Dragonmaster Dyne do not endorse or possibly even believe a word that Kyle is saying."
...I do.
-Grand Master Dragon
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