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GMD vs. The Household Appliances
-April 9th, 2001-
Rick Swan did it twice in the ol' Inquest Magazine. In the end, the appliances won. Now it's personal. Armed with my water bottle filled with Mountain Dew and a tuna sandwich, I decided to challenge The Appliances myself. It's a tough job, but somebody had to do it. So I bravely marched out to my kitchen, recalled the catch phrase from They Live that the immortal Rowdy Roddy Piper said, and spoke "I have come to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of gum.". It didn't take long to have the brutes ready and willing to challenge me. Our battle field? My room. Our weapons? Various video game console controllers. I could tell luck was already on my side... the appliances had to use my old off-brand controllers.
Round #1
Opponent: The Blender
The Game: WWF Warzone, PSX
I had this one in the bag. My custom Josh character saved on my memory card was more than enough to beat ANY character the blender chose. We sat up the match: 1 on 1. Fairly simple. What a dolt; I was sure to win! He picked his character: a deranged, goofy fat man a friend of mine made, custom just like mine. Name: Pinky. This guy had a nice roster on my card. Not only had he stolen my world title on two occasions, but his stats were all maxed out like mine. Still, I wasn't scared. I selected my character, Josh, and the match was underway. "Bring it on!" I said, doing my best Stone Cold impersonation(head wobbling back and forth to the point of dizziness). The blender didn't seem worried. Why wasn't he worried? Five minutes into the match, I was winning. Strange, but it seemed the blender wasn't even trying. "What the heck's your problem?" I said. Two minutes later, I knocked Pinky/Blender out of the ring. At that point I had did so many Stone Cold-Stunners on him, there was no chance of him getting back up. "Ha ha, it's OVER!" I yelled happily. The ref was mid-way through his count. 5. 6. 7. 8. As the ref began to say 9, the blender got up from my bed. I looked over and my smile turned to a frown. He walked up to my Playstation, opened his lid and ate my memory card. "NOOOOO!!!!" I screamed, "MY BABY!!!!!".
Winner: Blender
Round #2
Opponent: The Toaster
The Game: Goldeneye 007, N64
I could tell early on that this match was gonna be brutal. The toaster and I had a huge arguement before hand about the differences between a toaster and a toaster oven, so he was rather ticked at me. Nevertheless, I didn't lose courage. We started up a Multiplayer game, set the weapons to Proximity Mines(my speciality), and began to select characters. I chose Bond, simply because he's the coolest. However, The Toaster chose Oddjob. I knew right away why this was. Oddjob was short. Oddjob could manuever better due to being short. Oddjob couldn't be shot at close-range easily. Dang. Regretfully, I hit the ok button and our battle begun.
I was shocked at how fast Toaster could move. With remarkable speed, he led me into trap after trap, death after death. After about a half hour I checked the score. -34 to 62. He was good. Unfortunately for him, I found a loophole. We never said how long the matches had to go! I could sit there for hours until I managed to get the edge over him. Hey, he's a frikin' toaster-- he had to get tired sometime. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize one thing: he was still plugged in. With plenty of juice on his side, he never slowed down or stopped his relentless assault. I was screwed. So as my blood/sugar level dropped below most standards, I managed to whisper out "You win" before colaspsing. I took a big swig of my Mountain Dew as the Toaster rejoiced by sticking my Goldeneye cartridge inside his butt.
Winner: Toaster
Final Round
Opponent:The Microwave
The Game: Final Fantasy VI remix, PSX
I ate my tuna sandwich. At this point, I could use all the help I could get. But it seemed things might improve. Final Fantasy VI? How the heck could I lose at that? Literally? Me and the microwave had to set up some ground rules. 1. We'd play with the two player option. 2. No hitting each other. Automatic disqualification. 3. No healing the enemies. That's just plain dumb. and finally, 4. The loser is the first one to be killed. Alright, so it seemed possible. I'm the master of Final Fantasy. How could I lose on my own turf?
We started up a new game. Things went pretty smooth for awhile. Then, after the large war battle where Terra leaves the party, we chose our characters again(the microwave being Edgar and I being Sabin, so it was the perfect brother vs. brother match), and then walked into a desert. Of course, we incounter one of those Alligators. Big trouble. Both he and I tried our best to hold him off, but then something happened. The alligator zombified me. No, not ME me... Sabin. The Microwave quickly picked up on this. "Your HP is 0, you're dead." He said. We began to argue about how being zombified isn't actually death. Eventually, I screamed "You stupid METAL BOX! I'm not dead yet!". "...Yet." He silently said. Boy, was he right. I really should have payed attention to Rick Swan's past mistakes.
It was then that I learned why you never mess with a microwave.
Winner: Microwave
-Grand Master Dragon
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