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E3 2001 Coverage
-May 24th, 2001-
No, I didn't get to go to E3(The Electronic Entertainment Expo) this year. I never have. Do you think I have that kind of money or connections? So unlike every other site that will be doing their "direct coverage" of the show this year, I'll be doing it telepathically. Use that "imagination" thing my kindergarden teacher insisted that I had. So now I take you on my "Pretend tour of E3"!
When I first came in(greated by all the obese security guards with flashlights as weapons, of course), I saw the first thing that appealed to my glittering eyes: the Squaresoft booth. Walking forward as everyone moved out of the way for me(apologizing a mile a minute, each one of them), I saw the huge Final Fantasy X demo being played by a large Swedish man. I stepped forward and asked the man if I could try it. He emideately said "no", as the entire crowd behind me gasped. He then turned around, looked me in the eyes, and handed me the controller grinning while apologizing in Swedish. It was honestly ok, but I'm still a much bigger fan of the old stuff. I thought the game's hero looked like a Squall ripoff with blond hair. I found the idea of fighting "Giant Mutant Ninja Slugs" as the primary goal of the game kind of silly. Hope that doesn't reach the final version. Also, the idea of replacing moogles with dancing polar bears didn't seem to fit well. After fighting the boss of the demo, Mutant Ninja Slug Leader, I put the demo down and told everyone that they can play it now. They still stood there, and I had to tell them three times it was ok. Then I walked off and headed towards the Final Fantasy XI video demo.
This was quite silly. The biggest crowd was gathered around it, watching it in amazement, while I felt dumbfounded as to why it was so popular. A couple of wireframe characters running around in darkness with no sound? Seemed kind of dissapointing. Guess we'll have to wait for 10 to come out before 11. I quickly moved over to the completely unattended section of the booth, where a demo for Squaresoft's newest non-RPG title was being played. Nope, not a demo, the whole thing. "COOL!" I thought to myself. The game: Love Me! Love Me! Love Miracle. Apparently, Squaresoft plans to cash in on the whole "Japanese Love Novel" games that have grown popular over in the east by bringing one over here. Heck, they've turned Final Fantasy into a cashcrop over here-- why not try a Love Novel game? It didn't look so good. And I've wanted to try several myself. The game just looked like horrid crap. It was no wonder the only person playing the demo was a kid who had a "I hate fat chicks" shirt on his broomstick-shaped body. Finally, I stepped away from the Squaresoft booth, as I watched the scrawny kid eye his virtual japanese school girl crush letcherously.
Next, I figured I'd step over to the Eidos booth, just for kicks. What did I see? Another Tomb Raider promotion, of course! There were about 18 different Lara Croft models prancing around as all the gamers stared at their dar-reaires. In the center of the booth was an overly-elaberate Tomb Raider movie promotion, of course. To the left was a playable demo for Tomb Raider 5: Lara Croft's Ghost. To the right: a playable demo for Tomb Raider: Lara Strikes Back. Man, even when the chick's dead she never gives up. Why? Because she has Girl Power! Always a role model for the insecure female gamers of the world, Lara Croft shall be. I walked away from the Eidos booth, laughing, and catching a nice glimpse of a Croft model's... well, y'know. One of them offered me their phone number, but I declined.
Next up: Nintendo's large booth. What else would I expect to see here but Gameboy Advance titles, and the Gamecube. I watched a short video for the Luigi's Mansion demo, then remembered my interview with Luigi about how he always has gotten the shaft. Maybe he's finally getting his big break. Unless the game is simply a small by-product of an even larger Mario game, it seems that way right now. I heard a rumor from a guy wearing a large, yellow Pikachu hat there that Mario was fired for his drinking problems and was put into a rehab. Guess we can only hope. I looked around a bit more to see if anything that looked like Mother 3(Earthbound 2) was being secretly shown off, but didn't find anything. Then I searched for some new solid RPG titles that Nintendo might be promoting, but didn't find any of those either. I walked away, saddened, as I remembered the old days when Nintendo reigned supreme in the RPG biz. Now they've simply become the place for children to begin playing "cool video games!". This really hurts me. But it hurt even more when a guy in a Crash Bandicoot suit(yes, like the kind in the commercials) came up to me and started giving me crap for liking Nintendo. I kicked him in the balls and walked away, ironically towards the Sony booth.
Sony looked promising. The Sony booth as a whole looked very impressive, showing off Metal Gear Solid 2 as well as several nice looking RPGs. It was too crowded for me to really do much here, and the Crash Bandicoot guy I beat up five minutes ago was coming after me, so I took off, getting a short look at the Dragonball Z game for the PS2 before I beat the feet. Damnation! I figured I'd come back later, after I lost the Mario ripoff.
I started heading towards Microsoft's "stage". Yes, Stage. Not a booth. Leave it to Bill Gates to go all out. He's offered to buy a booth, so he says "nah, let's buy a frikin' stage. A BIG frikin' stage, with strobe lights and free mineral water!". I managed to get the Bandicoot to run into some big lumberjack guy(how he got there, I have no idea), who then began to beat the orange-suited man to a pulp. Ahh, much better. So then I figured I'd stick around, see what would happen at this "stage". Soon some sort of lights began to turn on, and a show began. The X-Box was being shown off in some sort of over-the-top performance! And who else to lead this video game flying circus but none other than Bill Gates! After the light show ended, two women wearing their futuristic clothing stepped on stage side by side and Bill Gates flew in on some sort of hovercraft. Hey, he's rich... you figure it out. So there he is, standing on his black hovercraft on the stage, when he begins yacking about how the X-Box will be the greatest Video Game system known to man. "It has a green color in it, and green equals money! Therefore go buy it!" said Bill. Sometimes I really look up to that guy, being the marketing genius that he is. He had me sold, until I noticed how big the darn thing was. It was 10 feet tall! How the heck was I supposed to fit that in my room, let alone attach a controller to it and play it? Still, it looked pretty cool. Bill promptly said "Later dudes" and took off in another hovercraft waiting for him behind the curtain. Gnarly.
So it was then that my trip to E3 ended. I hugged all the large guards with flashlights as weapons before I left, getting my entire upper torso soaked in fat-sweat. Eww. Still, I enjoyed myself. I went back and witnessed the 4 minute long DBZ PS2 game, which seemed to just be a large collection of clips from the show thrown into a DVD disc with some campy music. I also managed to see the movie for Shenmue Chapter 2, which seemed pretty entertaining as well. I didn't even see the Sega booth until I went to the bathroom and saw them set up near the stalls. Their only titles being shown off were Sonic Adventure 2(which, if I'm right, has already been released in Japan) and Shenmue 2. How sad. So after taking a pee, I waved goodbye to the Sega employees and left E3. So there you have it. My whole visit. Everything I did. Oh yeah, and I got an Oolala model to rub her leg up against me.
No, that's not me. I didn't actually go to E3, remember?
-Grand Master Dragon
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