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Tales from the Crypt
-October 2nd, 2001-
With the Month of Evil and Meijers' discount Halloween costumes in full-swing, I figured it would only be appropriete to tell a terribly SCARY story. A story so horrifying, nothing could possibly top it. Not even The World's Most Powerful Ki. For you see, this tale revolves around the scariest thing known to man, or not known to man, rather... a trip to the movies in 1997. And to make matters even worse(or SPOOKIER!), I was the unfortunate protagonist.
It all began with a need for something most people would need in my situation; when you stay over at a friend's house, you typically need a way to return to one's own home. As Fate would have it, I didn't. But my "luck" quickly turned around though near the end of the day, as my friend's brother and his said brother's girlfriend showed up. And to quote one of those Godfather movies or whatever other Amazing Italian Mobster movies the line appeared in, "They gave me an offer I couldn't resist".
I was told they were heading out to see Batman & Robin, AKA Batman 4 or 5, and offered for the both of us to come along, just so I can get a lift and see another Batman sequel in the process. I was also told that I'd have to pay for it myself, which normally a poor man like moi would typically be unable to do, but I wasn't poor this time. No, ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! I had 12 dollars. I honestly have no idea why I carried around any money back then when I should have been valuing every penny, but for some unknown reason I was. I said I'd pay my way as long as they gave me the ride I was promised home. We then shook hands and swore on Olympus to keep our vows. Alright, so that didn't happen. We just got in the car and drove onward towards the theatre.
The place was packed, with a line extending clear across the plaza. Unusual, considering it's abnormally empty 80% of the time, but apparently something was huge at the time that I can't happen to remember at the time. Perhaps Batman 4 or 5. We parked specifically in the only available spot, the "20 minute parking only" area, as I was told by our superiors, "I think the movie's only 20 minutes long anyway, isn't it? Yeah, it is". Although I've never actually seen a movie shorter than the 11 O' Clock news, I went along with it. At least if the car got towed, I could have the privilage of saying "I guess the movie wasn't 20 minutes long".
We stepped in the line, which looked more like a 90-degree angle the way it slanted across the plaza, and waited a good 15-20 minutes to get in. By the time the standard buying of tickets & junkfood fanfare was said and done, the movie was already a good 22 minutes done.
So George Clooney kicks a little bit of Arnold's butt, The Boy Wonder falls in love with Alicia Silverstone, and Uma Thurman is defeated. If I wanted to review Batman 4 or 5, I would, but you see, I don't. So the movie ends, and it's time for my end of the bargain to be dealt with. But first, my friend's brother's girlfriend's cousin/sister/girl that she knew that came along with us that just happened to be our age needed to be dropped off first up-town. And boy, did the fun ever begin there.
Within a good 4 minutes of hasty-college girl driving, we arrived at a green house at the end of block, and my friend's brother's girlfriend's cousin/sister/girl that she knew that came along with us that just happened to be our age was instructed to go inside. She explained that she didn't want to go into (so-and-so's) house, and instead wanted to go to (so-and-so's). A heated arguement began, and my friend's... well, you know who I'm talking about... ran inside the house without much eagerness, pouting. Then it was time for the couple to begin bickering over where the girl was supposed to go. The Brother's girlfriend becomes enraged, runs inside and begins talking/screaming with The Girl(which I'll probably refer to her as from now on, as I don't really care to get Carpal Tunnel Syndrom). Now it's time for the boyfriend to run in and make it all better. Or as I came to find out, worse.
Next came a collection of screaming and unintelligable shouts, probably some of the most impressive I've ever heard. It was apparent that these two were atleast intermideate arguers, and had honed their skills with many furious nights of arguing and throwing inanimate objects towards each other, missing with every toss. After several minutes, out runs The Brother, flailing his large athlete arms like a wounded Gorilla, tears streaming down his face, as he ran, to this day, I have no idea where. As far as I know he could have become inspired by Forest Gump and decided to "just start runnin'", heading in any which-way direction until coming upon a 7-11 and forgetting why he was running, distracted by Big Gulps and day-old hotdogs. The Girl then casually walked out, and took her seat back with the two of us.
Now at this point, I kinda became concerned about getting home sometime soon. I became really concerned that a Nucular War wasn't about to break out in the house. My friend happily made the comment that it would be remarkably easy for him to hotwire the car right from the front, thus providing us an illegal ride home, provided one of us could manage driving. I reminded him that it was a new car. He gave up the idea.
So we sat as all these events transpired, watching for possibly the best reinactment of a Real World episode or Soap Opera imaginable. Next, The Brother appears out of seemingly nowhere and walks back into the house. Quiet-talking is heard. Then atleast 5 minutes of silence. During this time I assume he either (A) apologized, she accepted, they had quick make-up sex, (B) apologized, she didn't accept, they had quick make-up sex, or (C) they had quick make-up sex. In any case, it must have not been too wonderful, as minutes later The Girlfriend came running out, jumped in the car and took off as if the bomb she planted was about to go off. Never did get to find out if it did though, as we were gone and out of the area in a second flat. There's probably some World Record set by doing that, but she unfortunately never claimed the prize.
The two things I learned from this tale of Survival Horror were one: anger, relationships, and driving don't mix, and two: according to my friend, this was a common weekly occurance for his large sibling. Now that's love.
-Grand Master Dragon
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