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Crescent Fresh/Not Crescent Fresh?
-September 15th, 2001-
People always ask me "GMD, why aren't you wearing pants?". That's when I usually say "Hey, I don't ask you about YOUR homelife, buddy!". Then there's usually some fighting, and alot of bleeding, and waiting for the paramedics to get over to me...
...But every so often, just now and then, I get someone asking me "GMD, what the Saren-dippity-doo-da does 'Crescent Fresh' mean?". Well, I'm glad someone asked. The best way I can define it as is, Crescent Fresh has the equivilent definetion of "Squirelly", as I'm sure thousands of your schoolyard chums(they still call 'em chums, right?) have said many a time before. That's about the extent of it. Even the dictionary says so. Here, I'll read it for you.
Cres-cent n. Quarter shape of the moon.
Fresh adj. Newlymade, or obtained; not stale. Freshness n.
Odd, the definetions are apparently a bit outdated. But not to worry Little Jimmy, I intend to answer your question and solve the riddle that puzzles many over Crescent Fresh. Just what IS Crescent Fresh? What isn't? What isn't, wishes it could be, but probably never will? The questions are about to be answered.
 Phil Giroux
Not Crescent Fresh.
At a first glance from an unsuspecting yocal not knowing the ways of CF, Phil might seem like he fits the bill. Then he laughs. And keeps laughing. And, again, continues. It's hard to believe that such a strange Canadian man couldn't succeed at being Crescent Fresh, but it's the unfortunate truth. Phil also apparently likes an occasional cigar or two, and as anyone knows, you can't be 'Cres if you smoke stoggies. Another one of Giroux's bad habits seems to consist of hanging out around the outside of fake windows, letting loose his unbearable laugh on sight of whatever he sees through the said window. It's really sad, because if Ol' Phil wasn't such a Laughaholic and addicted to "Fine Cubans", he might have had a chance. Maybe.
 Plantman
Crescent Fresh.
What a hero. Inheriting the power of horticulture and scientific know-how, Plantman proves himself to be amung the best of the best... of the best. With a fanbase so huge, Plantman even managed to successfully get his own rock song dedicated to him. Now that's 'Cres. Not only that, but he has a Flower Turkey-Bastor. A FLOWER TURKEY-BASTOR. Only great men can manage to stand up and claim such a right to say "Hey, I'm Crescent Fresh", and "Hey, I have a Flower Turkey-Bastor". Regardless of the fact that his head is shaped like a molded cabbage roll and he's often mistaken for a Dragonball Z character, Plantman is indeed truely amazing.
 This Dog
Crescent Fresh.
I don't even know what the name, type, or gender of this dog is, but it obviously proves quickly that you'd best not screw with it. It's melencholy gaze as it stares onward indicates the dog has seen it's share of battles, and being a war veteran is a sign of courage, honor, and proof that senior citizens once were young. Notice how the left ear tilts slightly to the left, indicating great speed & agility within this mighty steed. Or it could just be that the dog's about to turn around. Possibly both. No matter how you slice it, the fact remains that this dog could very well take over the entire known world some day. It is for the great achievements of this K-9 that is becomes rewarded with a very special title.
 Faye Valentine
Crescent Fresh.
She wins. Let's just leave it at that.
 Cosgrove
Not Crescent Fresh.
With his police officer wits and love for mints, Cosgrove does indeed fit many of the qualifications needed to become Crescent Fresh. But, unfortunately, his major flaw can never allow this to happen. You see, Cosgrove has a problem... his anger. When he gets mad, he'll yell at you in such a demanding tone, you'll be forced to by the hands of Fate itself to do as he says. And when he becomes enraged, things get even worse, as Cosgrove begins threatening to give random people "Time-Outs". It has been recommended by many for Cosgrove to attend some sort of Anger Management Program to control his rage, but as soon as it was suggested Cosgrove just started handing out Time-Outs like they were 69-cent Quarter Pounders. If this poor, tortured soul could get over this problem, I'm positive he would win the title he longs to recieve, but as of right now that is impossible. Just don't tell him that I said that, okay?
As you can tell, earning the title of "Crescent Fresh" is not an easy task. It requires intellegence, strength, sex appeal, and leaves growing out of your ears. That's really not much to ask, but the leaf part usually causes a bit of frustration.
-Grand Master Dragon
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