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Canada's Hostile Takeover
-August 30, 2001-
Blame them. So sang the song from the irreverent South Park movie, "Blame Canada". Ha ha, funny. Blame them because they haven't done anything wrong, right? Wrong.
While it may seem like Canada's probably the most innocent country in the world, they aren't. Sure, their millitary isn't exactly the most impressive; I think one of my relatives is in charge of holding The Gun, and I know for sure Tom Green's dad used to be in charge of The Tank. And the fact that they've never really been hostile... ever... with anyone within the last 15 or so odd years can easily make it seem as if they're not in the wrong. But trust me... they are. Oh yes, they are.
Why? Hatred. I assume after dealing with poorly-valued currency and a flag with a Maple Leaf on it, they aren't exactly happy. And in bitter irony, they blame US for once.
So, after a very unique and thorough analysis, I have come to the conclusion that Canada is planning to enslave Northern America. Please, don't panic. As it appears right now, "Project Eh" won't be taking place for several years at the most, so there's no need to worry. If you're reading this several years from now... RUN. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
Project Eh Analysis
Keypoint #1: Spawning evil. In recent years, many strange, unusual things have been popping out of the north. Take for example, Celion Dion. While I personally like this "woman" and her musical talents, I'm afraid to say she was created in a Canadian Laboratory simply to begin Project Eh's enslavement process. After selling enough of her "musical talent"/Enslavement CDs, Celine mysteriously "took a break from the music business". Why is this?... Take a wild guess. Being an Android-type being, "she" must recharge every 10 years in captivity, recovering "her" enslavement powers for the second assault. Want more proof? Her husband knew her when "she" was 5 years old. I'd say that's plenty(note: he's in on it, too).
Keypoint #2: Being nice. It is always said "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer". Guess who came up with it in the first place. While maintaining a steady friendship and peace with North America, Canada freely worked/works on Project Eh in their Secret Laboratories, planning the deadly assault that will indefinetely plague us all. Unfortunately, since these labs are located throughout the crazy amounts of wilderness Canada has, I'm afraid it's impossible for anyone to make a regulated attack against them without the use of Nucular Weapons. Which, I would assume, would obliterate US from the face of the earth as well. Which leads to the final, possibly highest Keypoint...
Keypoint #3: Being smart. They aren't dumb. Heck, if I remember right, they scored higher than America did in national grade point averages. The whole "stupid act" is obviously just a simple ploy that's part of Project Eh to divert us. "Heh, those Canadianians are dumber than us! They're so gosh-darned dumb!". I'm afraid not, Slack-Jawed Yocal; I'm afraid not.
With the attention taken away from them almost entirely, Project Eh can successfully be achieved with ease. And, unfortunately, there appears no way to stop it.
What does the future hold!?
Well, several things will occur. First, the beginning of what I like to call "Oops!" incidents will start. "Oops!... we dropped that experimental new bomb of our's in Lake Michigan... sorry, eh?", "Oops! Sorry about accidently launching that missile at Wisconsin... eh?", "Oops! Didn't mean to open fire on that poor 500-650 soldiers located on the border... eh?". America will suspect nothing, of course, and then the next step in Project Eh will occur: conquering & overtaking the state of Michigan. While this may seem like a small task, it's like I said: they've been saving up for years to buy a second pistol(and a new holster for the old). Once Detroit has become dominated with Kah-Ray-Zee Canadians, the final step will begin: The Final, Full Enslavement. With the use of Canada & Project Eh's Ultimate Biological Weapons... The Four Horsemen of Canada.
 Bret "The Hitman" Hart
Since ol' Bret has some battle experience on his side(atleast when it comes to Canadians and fighting), PE recruited him as General of the FHOC. Smart, edgy, powerful-- The Hitman is a force to be reckoned with. And when he's armed with a foreign object, don't even attempt to fight back.
 Tom Green
With Tom on their side, Canada is guaranteed that if all else fails, they can make teenagers laugh histarically to their bitter deaths. Armed with some mustard, his authentic Security Guard uniform, a camera to film everything with, and Glenn Humplik, Tom could possibly be the deciding force in Project Eh's success. His "My Bum is on You" and "Super Tongue" Attacks are very powerful. If you come into contact with Tom, don't fight. Just run, and hope he doesn't think you're good material.
 Alanis Morrisette
AKA "The Banshee". Using her hypnotic songs, Alanis inflicts great pain and suffering amung mass groups all at once with the inaudible words she likes to call "lyrics". Be advised, fellow men; she's single, and when she's in heat... you had better not be around.
 Alf
Commonly known on his home planet of Melmac as "Alien Life Form", Alf immigrated to Canada after his career was soiled and was accepted as one of them upon his arrival. Project Eh decided chosing an extra-terrestreal for the FHOC would be a perfect idea, whether he was a comic one or not. Alf was all they had. In all honesty, he really doesn't have any powers or special skills... he just loves to snack on kitty cats. If you're an owner of a cat like myself, you'd best prepare to put up one hell of a fight defending it.
What can we do to prepare for this massacre? Nothing. In the end, Americans will consider it a joke, and leave it at that until the final day occurs. Stock up on canned goods and weapons if you like, but it'll only delay the inevitable...
Rest assured, it's all over.
-Grand Master Dragon
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