GET 8,000,000,000+ HITS!
-September 20th, 2001-
First let me say that I KNOW THAT THIS METHOD WORKS. I SAY THAT BECAUSE AS SOON AS I TRIED IT MY BCENTRAL HIT COUNTER EXPLODED AND CAUSED MY COMPUTER TO START DISPLAYING EVERYTHING IN STRANGE FOREIGN LANGUAGES. YOU CAN ALSO TELL I'M TELLING THE TRUTH BECAUSE I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS WHICH OBVIOUSLY MEANS I'M EITHER TRYING TO EMPHASIZE THAT I'M NOT LYING OR I'M SCREAMING VERY, VERY LOUD AT YOU. With that out of the way, I shall begin to explain the SQUIRELLY new technique I have learned to recieve over 8 BILLION hits within a 24 hour time period! And it's all very simple.
To maintain a webpage, two things are obviously essential: being cool and getting as many people to see that as you possibly can. How you manage to get all of those people to visit your webpage doesn't matter. Annoying them with pop-up ads, Top Site Lists, repeated banners, and links that merely lead to Click Here to Find are great ways to begin doing so. Because if it's one thing that Satan taught us, it's trickory that leads to popularity! Watch this example.
I have found proof that George W. Bush is actually a robot sent from the distant future to enslave mankind. Click here to see it.
SEE? It's that simple. However, some people unfortunately inherit legendary items titled "brains", and eventually(or sometimes *gasp* right away!) discover you're merely tricking them, and then often times LEAVE your amazing webpage to go to... another! A scary thought, yes, but it happens. That's why this easy 10-step program has been developed to give YOU the hits YOU need, in an unhonest way, but with enough cleverness behind it that it might actually work! Here's how it works.
Step 1: Email every friend, relative, and arch-enemy you have inviting them to download the latest "Cool Video Game Roms that are from ten years in the future so they're very illegal and Lesbian-esque children having sex with bisexual Lizards for the first time in front of eight people who watch letcherously on a hidden camera". Tell them to forward it to everyone else they know as well, because it's a very serious matter. Label the subject "HOW TO GET 8 BILLION+ HITS!".
Step 2: Contact the Police stating that you have proof that all of your friends, relatives, and arch-enemies have downloaded illegal material.
Step 3: Repeat Steps 1-2, except email all of your step-relatives' friends, relatives, and arch-enemies. If you have any, which you probably do.
Step 4: Once you get word that they've all been apprehended(or not apprehended, perhaps), attempt to testify as a witness. Say "I saw them do it, it was awful!" and begin to weep uncontrolably. They SHOULD be thrown in jail, if your weeping act was good enough.
Step 5: When contacted by the media, accept any and all interviews. Plug your webpage on the air as many times as you can. Slip it in during conversations. Quickly spout out the URL while the host is talking. People will hear your pain and begin to visit your webpage as they sympathize with you!
Step 6: Word will begin to spread amungst the prisons of you and your webpage. During Free Time, prisoners will ask for internet access and begin visiting your page on a daily basis. MORE HITS!
Step 7: Kids will of course begin to look up to you, and visit your page in an instant. Book reports will begin being done on you, and your magnificant webpage. MORE HITS AGAIN!
Step 8: You and the URL to your webpage will appear on the front of Time Magazine, with the heading "Visit his(or her) page". I don't even have to say it!
Step 9: You'll be given a chance to take the first trip to Mars. Accept it, and slap a flag with the URL to your site on the planet. Now you're goin' OUT OF THIS WORLD!
Step 10: That's it! You've done it! You've successfully gotten 8 billion hits(or more)! AWESOME!
Don't believe it? Let's analyze it all.
First set of people you emailed = 10 or more(assuming you have at least 5 relatives and 5 friends)
The Police Officers that checked out your site while investigating = 3
More relatives and friends = 14 or more
Everyone in the court room = 45 or more
Everything else = LOTS OF PEOPLE!
So as you can see, over 8 billion people will view your webpage. You will become the coolest person alive. Enjoy, and don't forget who taught you this marvelous technique! Please send a copy of this to everyone you know, because it will HELP THEM TREMENDOUSLY!
Please, don't believe a word of this. Or send it to anyone. If you've believed all of it up to this point without me telling you anyway, I think you have bigger worries than how many hits your internet website gets.
-Grand Master Dragon
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